The 'right' decision

I sit in a coffee shop in Schenectady. The warmth of a fireplace by my feet, the heat of a cup of coffee in my hands and the fire of love in my heart.

On Saturday I said goodbye to Kellan. After a day of too many hugs, lots of mommy/Kellan activities, sniffing baby hair and holding baby hands, I got dropped off at the airport and watched as my son blew me kisses from the backseat as I stood on the curb wishing there was another way. Over the course of my three flights to get home to Albany-- home to my family and home to the love of my life... all I could think is that while it felt 100% right to be going anywhere to be with Tom, it felt 100% wrong to sacrifice time with Kellan for that...for any amount of time.  My heart ached in torment of what right and wrong was and how I might be able to determine for myself which was which. Once I said it out loud that I thought I shouldn't leave Phoenix, the knot that had existed in my stomach for the past month started to slowly fade away....and although I've lost over 15 pounds in the past couple of months, I felt lighter than ever.

So I called the moving truck and told them to head back to Phoenix-- and the same with the car transport... I had to go to my new apartment that I was so excited to live in and make my own life in and tell them I couldn't sign the lease. I had to go back on everything I'd been going forward on for the past few weeks and start over.

While that decision means that Tom and I don't get to have the time I had longed for to see what 'we' are all about, I believe with all my heart that we both know the answer to that already. He's my soulmate and always has been. I couldn't have even an imagined a love this big-- this amazing--this all encompassing. While he is disappointed with the shift in direction, he supports me and he understands. He has been amazing....and such a rock for me through all of this-- with no fear that I'll lose him based on the decisions I have to make as a mom. We went to dinner last night and there must have been a hundred moments when I thought, "I SO love this man".

So I sit in a coffee shop in Schenectady, while my soulmate finishes up his work and I finish up mine. And I start to think that I could be anywhere in the world (even in Phoenix) and feel this happy and complete, because I'll always be complete now with Tom in my life.