The 'right' decision

I sit in a coffee shop in Schenectady. The warmth of a fireplace by my feet, the heat of a cup of coffee in my hands and the fire of love in my heart.

On Saturday I said goodbye to Kellan. After a day of too many hugs, lots of mommy/Kellan activities, sniffing baby hair and holding baby hands, I got dropped off at the airport and watched as my son blew me kisses from the backseat as I stood on the curb wishing there was another way. Over the course of my three flights to get home to Albany-- home to my family and home to the love of my life... all I could think is that while it felt 100% right to be going anywhere to be with Tom, it felt 100% wrong to sacrifice time with Kellan for that...for any amount of time.  My heart ached in torment of what right and wrong was and how I might be able to determine for myself which was which. Once I said it out loud that I thought I shouldn't leave Phoenix, the knot that had existed in my stomach for the past month started to slowly fade away....and although I've lost over 15 pounds in the past couple of months, I felt lighter than ever.

So I called the moving truck and told them to head back to Phoenix-- and the same with the car transport... I had to go to my new apartment that I was so excited to live in and make my own life in and tell them I couldn't sign the lease. I had to go back on everything I'd been going forward on for the past few weeks and start over.

While that decision means that Tom and I don't get to have the time I had longed for to see what 'we' are all about, I believe with all my heart that we both know the answer to that already. He's my soulmate and always has been. I couldn't have even an imagined a love this big-- this amazing--this all encompassing. While he is disappointed with the shift in direction, he supports me and he understands. He has been amazing....and such a rock for me through all of this-- with no fear that I'll lose him based on the decisions I have to make as a mom. We went to dinner last night and there must have been a hundred moments when I thought, "I SO love this man".

So I sit in a coffee shop in Schenectady, while my soulmate finishes up his work and I finish up mine. And I start to think that I could be anywhere in the world (even in Phoenix) and feel this happy and complete, because I'll always be complete now with Tom in my life.

2 goodnights like this left

Tonight was like every night since Aug 21, but so very different. My routine. The Kellan and Mommy show. As I held him tight and carefully laid him into his crib, wrapped him up safe and sound with his blanky and tucked his bunny under his little arm, I had to catch my breath to hold the sobs in. The sobs of a Mom losing out on the simple thing of her nightly routine. As I slowly shut his door, he cried out a sad "Mama"-- which is unlike him. I walked away with another crack in my already broken heart. I wanted to run back in and grab him, hold him, never let him go, tell him I won't ever leave....but I will leave...because I can't live here. In this place that doesn't feel like mine, that isn't home, that hasn't embraced me or made me laugh or loved me. In this place where I don't have the love that exists somewhere else. I'd give anything to be able to take Kellan with me. If it meant a limb, I'd do it. If it meant half of my salary I'd do it... if it meant I had to give up red wine... sigh...yes, I'd even do that.

So tonight... I said goodnight. In the same way I've said goodnight for 18 months...and I'll only have two more nights like this. I leave on the redeye Saturday. One-way ticket to NY. I'll say goodnight and Kellan will wake up in the morning and his Mama won't be here.....and I have no way to explain that to him or help him understand. This is why I blog...because I have nothing else. No way else. 

The first one....

Today I went back through and read the sporadic blog posts I've done over the last four years. I wasn't very impressed. Despite my love of writing, I had entered 15 blog posts and maybe 2 were decent. That being said, I realized I don't love looking back on small details of my life. While I remember very clearly the moments in which I was super grateful, suprised, happy, sad, longing.... I don't need to rehash every word. It's with that, that I start a new blog. A blog that begins NOW and doesn't talk about anything before, and can hopefully be a place where I can consistenty post.

I playfully call this blog my epilogue because there is no last chapter for me (at least not for a long time, I hope), but I am definitely on the first few pages of a new one.

I'm leaving my husband of almost 4 years, who I've been with for nearly 9. While this statement carries with it a bit of sadness, it's with the next statement that all my tears and heartbreak exist....he's the father of my 18 month old son, Kellan.

It's hard to explain to most people why I can't stay married to him. He's a great guy who has never done anything unforgivable to me. We're not dramatic and barely fight....but over the years I've found that I feel so much less ME. And I really like me. We've grown and changed so much over the years and we just went in different directions. For the past few years I haven't felt loved. I haven't felt cherished. I haven't felt special. I haven't felt appreciated or coveted. I haven't felt like I make someone else feel alive.

While I am a hopeless romantic and had always thought I'd find that soulmate where I just knew-- I also thought maybe I was looking for or asking for too much, but recently I've realized I'm not. Love does exist in the way I imagined it to, it's just with someone else.

This has all happened so incredibly fast. It took me a long time to get to the place where I could articulate that I really wanted our marriage to be over. That I was too hurt and too broken to find a way to keep going, to forgive, to get over it, to release resentment and move on. That despite how much I am in love with Kellan, I can't stay in a marriage for a kid. I'm not that kind of person--- I never have been. In some ways, I so wish I was, so that I didn't have to deal with the type of heartbreak I am going through now-- getting to see my son about as much as an aunt or grandma might--- but I have to hope and pray that I can change that and in the long run be back to full time Kellan duty.

This has been the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life. While I feel certain that I'm not meant to be Ryan's other half, and not meant to love him forever, I AM certain that being a mom is the most important thing in the world to me now. No word has ever crossed anyone's lips that both overflowed and yet broken my heart as the word "Mama" when Kellan says it. He is my everything. I love him without question, without conditions, without fail, and increasingly with ever breath. I see a part of me in his smile, in his movements, in his spirit, in his voice, and in his soul. He is mine.

For now, I am planning my move out of Arizona. I am going home. Home for now.... to be around people who love me and know me. To rebuild. To rediscover. To embrace ME-- the ME I lost along the way.

And with that will come a long journey. I'm barely on step 1. So while nobody knows about this blog yet, I'll ask anyone reading to follow along. Feel free to offer insight or advice (everyone does anyways), but more importantly I write not to be heard but to conciously remind myself to feel it all. Take it all in. Think about it. Write it down. Reflect. And then....move on. One foot in front of the other...in what I hope is the right direction.