2 goodnights like this left

Tonight was like every night since Aug 21, but so very different. My routine. The Kellan and Mommy show. As I held him tight and carefully laid him into his crib, wrapped him up safe and sound with his blanky and tucked his bunny under his little arm, I had to catch my breath to hold the sobs in. The sobs of a Mom losing out on the simple thing of her nightly routine. As I slowly shut his door, he cried out a sad "Mama"-- which is unlike him. I walked away with another crack in my already broken heart. I wanted to run back in and grab him, hold him, never let him go, tell him I won't ever leave....but I will leave...because I can't live here. In this place that doesn't feel like mine, that isn't home, that hasn't embraced me or made me laugh or loved me. In this place where I don't have the love that exists somewhere else. I'd give anything to be able to take Kellan with me. If it meant a limb, I'd do it. If it meant half of my salary I'd do it... if it meant I had to give up red wine... sigh...yes, I'd even do that.

So tonight... I said goodnight. In the same way I've said goodnight for 18 months...and I'll only have two more nights like this. I leave on the redeye Saturday. One-way ticket to NY. I'll say goodnight and Kellan will wake up in the morning and his Mama won't be here.....and I have no way to explain that to him or help him understand. This is why I blog...because I have nothing else. No way else.